Today

Today was not a good day. Today was a day I want to quickly forget. Today was the day I cried on my front porch.

I have had many of these kind of days over the past two and a half years, but today hit me hard. Maybe because these bad days are becoming so sparse, that I forget how soul searing they can truly be.

Truitt has a cold again. Seems like that poor boy has been sick for months. With a cold comes the inability to get him to drink a bottle, and purees aren't the easiest either. He does lots of crying, lots of gagging, and lots of choking. It stinks. All around, it makes a bad day for all of us. As if he isn't hard to feed in the first place. *Sigh*

For several days now, almost nearing a week, he hasn't been eating well. Again. He is just so congested and full of mucus that sucking and chewing is tough. He can't breathe therefore eating is much less than ideal for him at this time.

The end of last week for rough for me, I just wanted a break. All of the running here and there and Truitt not eating well combined with his new hobby of forgoing naps drained me. Squeezed every last bit of my energy out. This whole not eating good trend is totally stressing me out. Big time.

He is never awake enough in the mornings to eat well before school, and he is so tired when we leave school that I can rarely get him to eat lunch. He won't nap because he is hungry without lunch, and the cycle continues into the night with him not wanting dinner because he is OVERLY exhausted without a nap. But he has to take his seizure meds, so none of us have a choice of going to bed early. Doesn't that make you tired just reading it?

It's VERY tiring, and that is the outline of our day, four days out of our week.

So, the whole reason I got all worked up last night and today is that I am finally feeling like a feeding tube would be easier on us all. SO MUCH easier. But so scary at the same time. It terrifies me. The feeding specialists have never brought up a feeding tube for Truitt because he has always been so nice and plump :) That is until the Pediatrician pointed out that Truitt lost a pound in six months. That means no gain at all from his two year check-up to his two and a half check-up, he even lost a pound. I have been the one who mentioned a tube here and there, and was always told, "You will know when a feeding tube is needed, for your sanity or your son's health and well-being." So I must not be the only parent who loses sanity over feeding my child with special needs? Good.

The truth is, as much as Greg and I don't want to have our little boys perfect little tummy cut into and risk infection and so on, we are running out of options. Truitt's feeding has not improved, if anything I feel like it has become more challenging. It takes well over and hour to feed him, four times a day. He eats less than Beckett, which is what really got me worked up too. I just don't think he is eating enough. If he was taking a long while to eat, and gaining lots of weight, the struggle would be well worth it. For now, I worry that all the hard work, the stress, the loss of sleep isn't worth it if he isn't getting sufficient nutrition.

It's a tough place to be in. A decision I hoped I would never have to make. I know there are options for us to try before taking that route with a tube, like therapy and vital stimulation, but I have to prepare myself for the worst.

I just hope, like in the past, he gets over this nasty cold and improves with his eating. Time will tell. To be on the safe side, I have put a call into the Feeding Clinic at Children's to see what they have to say. Hopefully they can help, or speed up feeding therapy for him.

Something has got to give...