Changes and Seizures

The biggest part of the past two years, I have held a tight grip on the way things were before Truitt. My "previous" life. I am slowly allowing myself to let things be what they are. I was clinging to old dreams and memories, instead of enjoying making new ones. I often have to think of where we've been, to appreciate where we are.

I chose to believe, despite every indication that anything in life is permanent anyway, that things would never get better. Never get easier. That my heart would persistently ache for Truitt, and for the life of ease that he was and is deprived of.

I now know that change is constant, as in anyone's life, but how I interrupt it is solely up to me. Life is always changing, for everyone, everyday. Whether for the good, or the bad, we must embrace life's uncertainties. No one's life is perfect unless we accept the imperfections, and no one's life will go just the way the have planned, trust me, I know it to be true.

Who's to say that the plan made out for us, the plan we are unaware of until it presents itself, isn't perfect? Isn't what we would have wanted had we known?

I used to shy away from all people around me with healthy kids. It was just too hard, my heart too envious. I always went back to if things would have been different on that day in October 2008, when our lives and Truitt's were so drastically changed following his birth. What if he wouldn't have had those seizures? What if he were healthy, what would our life be like today?

I try my very hardest not to go there, I have shoved his birth memories so far into the back of my mind. But the times like these it's all I think about. What did go wrong, and the consequences we are living in because of it.

Truitt is still having seizures. They remain unpredictable, from several a day to one every other day or two. Most commonly he has them in the morning or evenings. We went back to the Neurology Clinic last week and they increased his Topomax once again. He is now up to 75 mg in the am and 100 mg in the pm and is hasn't done a darn thing yet.

I take that back. It is changing our Truitt into a sleepy boy. He hangs his head and always seems so drowsy :( He has been taking naps again, which is kinda nice, but i would trade no naps to have my happy wild man back.

So, my new mission is to find a new Neurologist. I REFUSE to give him any more Topomax until either we meet with a new doc, or try other routes like special diets or increasing one of his other meds first. I just want them to go away!!! He had a big one this morning, and they just make me so mad. I feel helpless.

Onto one good thing, Truitt has been eating really well for the past few months. This is the best he has eaten in almost a year. He has gained almost 6 pounds in four months! We are thrilled, and hope he keeps it up! It has made life so much easier.

Now only if we could get those seizures to disappear...