Nervous

I went to the hospital yesterday to see a close family friend who just welcomed a healthy baby boy, Owen Joseph, into this world on Wednesday. She delivered at the hospital where I will have our new baby, so I was glad to be able to go see her and take a look around.

I had a lot of mixed emotions while I was there. Just looking at the sweet new baby brought back all of the memories of Truitt's birth. All of the things that went wrong during that magical time. But seeing that healthy baby yesterday reminded me that God is still good. Miracles do happen, Truitt just came into this world with a little different take on the word miracle. He had to fight for his miracle.

Hearing a newborn cry reminded me of how Truitt cried for hours with no end. Seeing Owen's beautiful pink skin, reminded me of how hazy and pale Truitt was. Watching him suck away on his bottle, reminded me of how Truitt wasn't able to suck. It was so hard for me to see, but I am so thankful, and grateful that this baby in front of me yesterday, was healthy.

Anticipating the arrival of this new baby, has been bringing back so many bad memories of Truitt's birth. In my heart, I want to replace those bad memories with wonderful new ones, and I am so ashamed I feel like that. It's not his fault, not mine, it's just the way our life went at that moment in time and I can't change it, or ever replace it. It happened, and it was unfortunate, but it is what it is. Nothing I do, will ever wipe it out of my mind.

I just hope and pray that our new baby will enter this world under much better circumstances. All I want is a healthy baby, and a safe delivery. I sit and think everyday about what I can do to insure that those two seemingly far fetched dreams, come true.