It's going on two weeks now that I have been feeling pretty numb. There is no other way to describe it. I don't even know what induced this long stretch of worrying and consuming my life with "what ifs," all I know it is isn't going away.
It is getting a little harder for me to be around healthy kids. I still just don't understand all of this. Why Truitt? Why do all of the people around me have healthy kids, but not me? I sometimes can't even believe this is really happening. I go back to last fall, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, and I didn't even know this kind of life existed. I constantly have been thinking about everything, and if it were all different.
It is becoming so much more evident now that Truitt is delayed. I like to blame it on the seizures, although either way it hurts. I think people are starting to notice he is different. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I just want to hide him away and protect us both from the pain. I get a lot of questions now when I meet other mothers with babies his age. Like, "is he crawling all over the place, my son is!" And, "don't you love how quickly they learn, my child is already walking."
I just want to yell at them to leave me alone. My son can't do any of those things, and I don't mind, but I want to be left alone. He is MY child, and whatever he can or can't do is just fine with me. I love him. I adore him and I look forward to the day I can say, "my son was never supposed to walk, but look at him run!" I know it will come. One day, he will walk and run. Until then, I will hope and pray for such a miracle. I want it so badly for him.
I actually had a pretty good day today, believe it or not. I had an interview for Ohio Health (thanks Lindsey) and spent some time with my neighbor Gena. It is so nice sometimes to just sit and talk, or simply get out of the house for a bit. Greg also planted my climbing rose bush on the rustic old ladder we bought at the flea market. It looks awesome! It made me so happy, I love it.
Well I better be off to bed, maybe tomorrow will be even better. Goodnight!
1 comment:
One thing I know for sure..... Mother's do love to compare their children. Your right we all want our child to be as good as every other baby! I have learned that people accept you for who you are if your proud...hold your head high...never comprise your childs accomplishment by the standards of others. As I have said many times "feeling are real", sometimes they are just that and not always true. It is hard to see other children who can do things that Truitt can't. Never give up hope that someday he will get there too! Surround yourself with positive friends and never treat Truitt as if he is any different than any other child! What he does is normal for him and that's great!
About the feelings you have right now....please know that too is normal, as a women our hormones go through many changes and that to can be corrected. It is not weakness that seeks help...it is our strength to get some advise from someone who understands.
As your Grandmother, I can assure you haveing lived longer and shared lots of ups and downs they too will pass! I hope your reading "THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE" even if its just a few pages each day!
It is never healthy to look backward because that day is gone and never to be lived again. Letting go of your dreams that didn't come true is not a good thing! You still have lots of hopes and dreams that will come true!
No matter what hold your head high and be proud of Truitt for the precious child he is...others will follow!
I am hear for you always, Love Grandma McFarland
Post a Comment